Homesick and more

Homesickness is rearing it's very ugly head right now. I miss my Mom and Dad. I miss my kids, even though I know if I was at home, they still wouldn't speak to me. I miss America and everyday life there. By early next year, I will be back, but for now....

The heat is not helping. It's been over 100F everyday for so long that it is hard to remember that week of cool temps and afternoon showers not so long ago. Evidently though, this is unusually hot for this time of year and this place. I don't know why that makes me feel a little better. It doesn't bring the temperature down any.

I am lonely. My love works, which is of course necessary and understandable. But, when he comes home I WANT TO TALK....about anything and nothing. But, this communication problem is always there. I am not a patient person. I get frustrated. His English speaking is ok, but his comprehension when I am talking to him is not so good. SO, he either nods and smiles (first clue that he doesn't understand) or he starts talking about something else before I have finished my thought and so the sirens and bells start going off in my head.

That's one thing I have noticed with a lot of people here. They talk over each other and don't seem to listen too well when others are talking. A culture thing, I guess.

And people here LOVE their TV. When we go and visit friends, the damn thing is usually on. When my love is at home, the TV is on. Needless to say, any talking is done during commercials - reklam.

When I was in America, I didn't care for the TV shows. I watched Netflix films mostly if the TV was on. But, it didn't get turned on until after supper and then was only on until the movie was over.

I am afraid, unsure and hoping this weather breaks soon for my mental health and well being.

Working Hard For Me

It's been quite awhile since my last post. Things are much better. Upon reflection I see that I have been very hard to live with. Because of the circumstances with my kids, the dark cloud of depression has been following me around.

I know that my constant sadness, anger and tears would be hard for anyone to deal with, but especially for my love who is really a happy person. It seems to me that people here (at least the ones I have met) are very good at hiding any unpleasant emotions...at least around outsiders. I haven't been very good at doing that.

Last weekend things came to a head and we nearly broke up. It was really my fault. I was in the midst of a major "pity party" and I was looking to compound my misery. I was relentless in my aggressiveness towards my love, pushing him to tell me to leave, trying everything to make him say the things that would break my heart so that I could feel even worse...justified that I was a bad person who didn't deserve happiness or love anymore because of what I had "done"....it's complex, but I guess I felt like I need to be punished. No one can punish me better than I can punish myself.
Luckily, my love and I sat and talked and we were able to get through it. But, it was too close for comfort.
Afterwards, I spent some time in introspection and realized what was going on, what I was doing.

I am a strong person. I know that I can get through all of this stuff. I know what I want and I want this person in my life. I am not going to let others make my life miserable and I am not going to make myself miserable. I have done all I can do right now to make contact with my kids and if they don't want to forgive or have any contact with me...so be it. I can't change them, only time and their hearts can change. Beating myself up about it and trashing this relationship is not going to help anyone.

My old life is over and my new one is beginning. This is my future and I am glad for it. I feel so much better now because I have made these hard realizations about myself. I have suffered from depression in the past and that hell is NOT somewhere that I am willing to go again. I am in charge of my moods, my life and my future. I understand that now.