Working Hard For Me

It's been quite awhile since my last post. Things are much better. Upon reflection I see that I have been very hard to live with. Because of the circumstances with my kids, the dark cloud of depression has been following me around.

I know that my constant sadness, anger and tears would be hard for anyone to deal with, but especially for my love who is really a happy person. It seems to me that people here (at least the ones I have met) are very good at hiding any unpleasant emotions...at least around outsiders. I haven't been very good at doing that.

Last weekend things came to a head and we nearly broke up. It was really my fault. I was in the midst of a major "pity party" and I was looking to compound my misery. I was relentless in my aggressiveness towards my love, pushing him to tell me to leave, trying everything to make him say the things that would break my heart so that I could feel even worse...justified that I was a bad person who didn't deserve happiness or love anymore because of what I had "done"....it's complex, but I guess I felt like I need to be punished. No one can punish me better than I can punish myself.
Luckily, my love and I sat and talked and we were able to get through it. But, it was too close for comfort.
Afterwards, I spent some time in introspection and realized what was going on, what I was doing.

I am a strong person. I know that I can get through all of this stuff. I know what I want and I want this person in my life. I am not going to let others make my life miserable and I am not going to make myself miserable. I have done all I can do right now to make contact with my kids and if they don't want to forgive or have any contact with me...so be it. I can't change them, only time and their hearts can change. Beating myself up about it and trashing this relationship is not going to help anyone.

My old life is over and my new one is beginning. This is my future and I am glad for it. I feel so much better now because I have made these hard realizations about myself. I have suffered from depression in the past and that hell is NOT somewhere that I am willing to go again. I am in charge of my moods, my life and my future. I understand that now.